After reading my posts about Atharv's cough and bad health over FB, today another friend suggested I take a couple of weeks off from office to take proper care of Atharv by not sending him to day care. I never had even thought of this option before. Wonder why? Was it because my company does not give me the facality to avail such an long leave or cause I don't love my son any longer, or am I not making his health my first priority of life?
All this has now made me to feel, I am not a good mother at all, or perhaps I was never a good mother to begin with. Am I sending Atharv to daycare, so that I get that feeling of having accomplished something at work, or I am sending him to daycare so that I can be away from this constantly demanding boy for a few hours in the day, or am I just not the type who finds the ever lasting routine of diaper changing, feeding and cleaning any fun any longer. I try to argue with myself and tell my own self - I send him so that he can get the company of other children of his own age for some hours in the day - something which I can't give him if I were a full time homemaker. But is that really true? What is he going to miss if he does not learn what he learns at the day care, if he does not sit on his baby chair with other toddlers and doesn't learn how to lift the spoon and not lift the plate at meal times, does not learn what different colors mean, or what circle time or what importance do group activities have in life?
Or wait, how about solving the companion problem by helping him with the company of a sibling. Won't that be so much easier on his health, when both of them would play together at home and fall less sick. At lest much less sick than having 6 ear infections in a course of being at the day care for just 10 months so far. After all every one around me is telling how many times their moms or mom-in-laws have requested them already to have a sibling for their grand children... but do our moms think the same way? Thankfully neither do. They are both progressive in their thoughts and care more for the mother who is having a tough time with her only kid, rather than asking her to deliver one more to and to be unable to take care of either. Thank God, at least something is right in my life.
But what happens to Atharv health then? What do I do to make him get rid of ever lasting cough. Give him those steroid puffs that Dr. Zorn recommended last week? Or take a month break from work. The option of taking a break is now making more sense now. Ah but under which company policy can I take a month long break? I don't have any earned leaves, as I just went for a 3 week vacation to India, to meet out parents after 2 years and I don't have any sick leaves either, as the new fiscal just started. And anyways the company never made a third category of leave policies keeping mothers in mind. They have more important things to bother about such as their own 'revenue' they earn from their 'resources'. Little do they have time to wonder on petty issues such as how to enable mothers to take off a couple of weeks to take care of their sick little ones. Now why am I working for such a company in the first place? That gives me a great idea - why not quit? Okay so by now, I have finally made by my mind that given my situation, the best option would be to quit and then look for another job when Atharv gets better. But let me discuss this a little bit with Abhinav first. I know my supportive husband will never let me down in my decisions and would have something to add.
I discuss with Abhinav and true to his habit he never says - 'no' [immediately]. He supports my decision and then before I can rejoice of knowing what I want to do now... he carefully reminds me about my pleasures of being a frustrated mom. and how I used to long to go back to work after I had been a mom-at-home for 6 months.
I remember having read somewhere. For a child's all round development, whats more important is to have a happy mother than having a at-home but frustrated mother. What does that translate to? That I care more about my needs than I do about about is more important.
I think I have come to terms with the reality now. The reality is that I ain't a good mom! Let me accept the known fact and then live with it.
5 comments:
You are a good mom because you are Atharv's mom. No one else can be that, only you! He learns a lot more from you than he will ever learn at day care. His character is formed through his interaction and bonding with those that love him, his family. He learns to trust, to explore, to be a man and so much more.... I could type a 10 page article and just be getting started on what a child learns from his mother.
I am getting better now and can plan a time together with you.
Deepti.....I know nothing about motherhood but one thing I am certain about is that the situation will not get better by you blaming yourself for it. I am sure you are a good mother, if you cared so much about friends, I can imagine how much care you take of little Atharv. So I would suggest, you need to first stop blaming yourself for not being a good mother.
May be you can find a group of working moms in your area and talk to them about how are they managing their situations as I am sure these are very common situations.
I pray that Atharv gets well soon, he sure has a very good human being as his mom!!!
Deepti, it is definitely difficult being a mom, so please dont blame yourself. You are a very loving and caring mom And I am sure Atharv will say the same later in life.
One of my friends took a long break too. She sends her daughter to daycare once a week, so the daughter gets the positives of daycare and my friend gets a day to herself for her hobbies and random work!
Lots of love to Atharv. I am sure you will figure out a way!
First of all,you need to love & take care of yourself as much as you take care of Atharv. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting own time for yourself away from your little child. Infact it is absolutely necessary that you have some good time by yourself if you donot want to drive yourself & your baby crazy. So stop these guilt trips..
Have you thought of having a nanny (may be someone Indian) who will come to your home & take care of Atharv while you can be at office or work from home ? You can try this for a month or so and when Atharv is ready, send him back to daycare. I know some friends who have nanny at home for younger babies, so that the babies dont catch infections at daycare.
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